Should | Must

Should | Must

If you've ever read anything I've posted here, or on Instagram or Twitter, you'll likely know by now that I love the ocean, being in nature and life by the coast. Nothing calms my mind more. Growing up on the coast provided me with countless memories of the trips down to the beach; diving into the ocean, and spending hour upon hour on the sand with not a care in the world. It was an easy time, mentally. The combination of exercising so much & not overthinking anything led to a real sense of peace. Then, I grew up. 

Home | The Beach I Played On For So Long 

Home | The Beach I Played On For So Long 

At 25, I have lived with severe anxiety and depression, conquering the latter and still grappling with the former. I overthink damn near every little thing. I struggle to create sometimes because I worry about the consequences of x or y, or I don't trust my intuition. It has taken a very long time, but my perspective has changed a lot. In particular following a recent pretty major car crash where I was lucky to walk away with only minor injuries. Though it may sound cliché, when it happened - when I no longer had control and effectively became a passenger instead of a driver - for a moment I thought I was a goner. I was almost fully resigned to the fact that the likelihood of me walking away from it was very low. I got lucky. It's that simple. I walked away from a written off car, with hardly a scratch to be seen and only minor physical injuries.

If you’re not prioritizing the things you say you care about, consider the possibility that you don’t actually care about those things.
— Elle Luna

Having that experience wakes you up, a lot, to the things going on in life. It makes you realise that life is extraordinarily fragile and can end in a moment. That there are a great many things that you shy away from because of irrational thought, and fear. Fear is a construct of your mind, and if you can control your mind, you control fear. Waking up to to the realisation that I'm in charge of my mind and my future, and what comes of it, is a huge step. You may think that an obvious thing to realise, but for the longest time I didn't have the self-esteem or worth to realise that I deserved to be happier or to amount to the person that I visualised myself as but kept suppressed at the back of my mind. Today is day zero. The first step with a renewed faith & belief that I can achieve my goals, to turn ideas from thoughts into actions, and to live the happy, healthy lifestyle I've longed to live but never believed I could or would.

If you want to live the fullness of your life—if you want to be free—you must understand, first, why you are not free, what keeps you from being free. The word prison comes from the Latin praehendere, meaning to seize, grasp, capture. A prison doesn’t have to be a physical place; it can be anything your mind creates. What has taken ahold of you? The natural process of socialization requires that the individual be influenced by Shoulds in order to function as a part of society. However, as you grow up, it is healthy to be self-aware about the Shoulds you inherited. You might value and keep some Shoulds, while others you might choose to discard. If you want to know Must, get to know Should. This is hard work. Really hard work. We unconsciously imprison ourselves to avoid our most primal fears. We choose Should because choosing Must is terrifying, incomprehensible. Our prison is constructed from a lifetime of Shoulds, the world of choices we’ve unwittingly agreed to, the walls that alienate us from our truest, most authentic selves. Should is the doorkeeper to Must. And just as you create your prison, you can set yourself free.
— Elle Luna

I alway leaned towards doing the things that I should do, based on the expectations I believed others had of me. I ignored the things that roared out to me from the back of my mind, day after day after day, until the roar felt distant, and I lost my way. I lost sight of the things that intuition and my mind told me I must do. Now is the time for MUST. 

P.S: I wholeheartedly recommend that you read Elle Luna's Book, it's pretty great.